turn the dirt over, if you want to grow back

The last few weeks I have been a certified head-case.  It started with back pain over New Year's Eve (very reminiscent back pain, pain down my posterior iliac crest a.k.a. bone marrow town, a pain I had before diagnosis, during/after biopsies and intermittently over the past six years).  Normally, it goes away on it's own and I can just 'pop' the stuck feeling back into place.  No such luck this time.  It comes and goes, to and fro and I think it is exacerbated by Jillian Michaels' kicking my ass on the Biggest Loser DVDs.  Every time I feel the pain, it transports my brain into an fear driven spiral to a bad place.  Exhibit A: Feels back pain.  Thinking brain turns on and goes a little something like this: back pain=cancer is back=transplant=lose my lifelong dream of having a family and so on and so on.  I have tried the works, deep breathing, a little Ativan here and there, talking it out, but there is no reasoning with fear.  To top it off, I spent the first day of clinical on the hem/onc floor and it did not go as well as I had hoped.  My teacher was wicked insensitive, just terrible and the sadness on that floor was too much.  With some pushing and love from Gwen, I switched clinicals (very good choice) so I could focus on doing a good job without the pukey stress of being up there again.  So anyway, I needed a little Dana healing time and went over to the lovely Sally's house for a bit of Holographic Memory Resolution.    I am open to anything and I after my session with Sally, I felt lifted, a bit more free from my fear/pain trap.  She is an angel and has such a healing way about her.
As someone who looks for signs in the universe, I was given another sign today.  I had a little epiphany in the car with Dan today.  The feelings I am having feel awfully familiar to the feelings I had a few months before our wedding.  I felt like things were so wonderful, I was so blessed, I was about to marry my best friend, I was healthy and on top of the world...when. is. the. other. shoe. going. to. drop?  I made the connection that these familiar feelings may have to do with another upcoming life transition that I have been looking forward to for FOREVER.  Dan and I are literally putting 'x' marks on the calendar and counting down the days til graduation and graduation=baby time.  I have wanted nothing more out of life than to be a mother, start a family with Dan and enjoy the little things in life.  I think the fear that snuck up on me before the wedding is inching its way back before this milestone too.  I don't believe in coincidences,  so it must have been meant to be that on Kairol's blog today she wrote about cancer and life transitions and she quoted from my chapter.
That leads me to 'canceritis'
This is a summary of an article written by Jeff Kane, MD from the Sept./Oct. issue of Coping With Cancer magazine.

Canceritis

Getting paranoid? It’s canceritis and it’s normal. If you’ve had cancer, you’ll have canceritis.

Canceritis is fear of cancer. You get some ache or pain and right away you think it’s cancer. It comes with the territory.

Somehow I don’t think the term “canceritis” is going to find it’s way into standard medical journals. It’ll need a more dignified, scientific label. So for you doctors reading this, I suggest we call it “Post-Cancer Syndrome,” or PCS.

PSC is the anxiety-producing, tenacious and eminently understandable tendency among people who have had cancer to assume that every symptom represents a cancer recurrence until proven otherwise.

The question is,”Who do I see, my internist or my oncologist?” Say you have back pain…

Since PCS is a reaction both unreasonable and reasonable, the decision is up to you. Your internist can find a common enough answer for a back pain, such as over-ambitious gardening.

Cancer tattoos your memory. There’s no way around that, but with time it fades. No one, regardless of their history, can be certified entirely free of cancer, they are in remission.

A headache can seem like a brain tumor, but it could be tension, stress, allergies.

If you live long enough, you’re pretty certain to develope another disease or two, which will give you even more to think about. Now, is that bad news or more good news?


So that's where I am right now.  I am trying to overcome this fear and replace the dark spots with healing, white bright light.  I was doing SO great for so long.   Any tips on stomping the fear?
"Thinking is the source of problems...Your heart holds the answer to solving them"-Wayne Dyer
Peace and health-filled thoughts.
D