reverb10, #14

Today's reverb10 comes from author Victoria Klein.  "Appreciate.  What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?"

No words necessary.

Oh yeah.  One more thing.  7. cancer. free. years.  Life is beautiful.
God is good.
‎"While trauma can be hell on earth, trauma resolved is a gift of the gods- a heroic journey that belongs to each of us." -Peter Levin

reverb10, #13

Another day, another reverb10 prompt!  Author Scott Belsky asks, "When it comes to aspirations, it's not about ideas.  It's about making ideas happen.  What's your next step?"


I can break this question down into a few parts.  Personal.  Career.  Family.  Different sectors of my little happy life.  Personal aspirations?  Achieve physical balance and health.  I've already lost 8 lbs since Oct, halfway to my goal.  I plan to continue to eat healthy (as I always do, minus chocolate :), and keep busting my ass at work.  I come home sweaty and exhausted and I'm certain the physical nature of my job has helped with the weight loss.  I plan to continue to stretch, exercise, keep going to PT and massage to get my body into tip-top shape for when that little baby decides it'd like to shack up and stay for 9 months or so....I wanna make sure my body is a happy home before getting pregnant.

Career.  I'm happy at work.  I'm overwhelmed at work.  I feel stupid each. and. every. day. at work.  I'm hoping that feeling subsides as time goes on.  I feel like this prompt applies very much to my career aspirations.  I'm a lifelong nerd and am already looking deeper into post-masters and doctoral programs to satisfy my hunger for learning.  I come home most days from work thinking, "what do i have to study tonight?...oh, yeah, NOTHING because school's done" :)  I am seriously considering three different programs that would lead to one of two different advanced practice nursing degrees.  Yes, my ultimate goal is to be a nurse-midwife, win a million dollars or two and open up the first freestanding birth centers in Illinois (the law passed years ago, rules and regs are going thru the gov't, now just need investors/hospital backing to build).  But.  I want to have a semi-normal life.  I am selfish right now and wouldn't want to be on call on Christmas or my future kid's birthday or graduation because my patient is in labor.  I think midwifery is my ultimate calling, but perhaps once my future children are older.  I am looking at the Frontier School of Nursing in Hyden, Kentucky.  It's a very well respected program, started by one of the founders of nursing practice, Mary Breckenridge (who provided care by traveling on horseback in Appalachia).  They have an amazing Women's Health Nurse Practitioner or Certified Nurse-Midwife distance learning post-masters or doctorate.  You take most of the didactic courses online, go to Kentucky once a year for a week, then when you're ready for clinical residency, you work with a preceptor in your community.  It would take about 2 and a 1/2 years part time.  Evanston would pay for about $4000 a year!  I'm hoping to apply for next school year.  So, yea, I think I will pursue Women's Health Nurse Practitioner certification in the near future.  I like the nurse educator role and I know I'd enjoy a clinic setting, helping educate and help women throughout their lifespan.  Basically, I want to do everything and be everywhere.  I want to help as many women as I can.  I want to see health equality and transparency in maternity care in my lifetime.  I want to advocate for evidence-based care not anecdotal recommendations to drive patient care.  I want to give power back to the woman and encourage education and self-empowerment.

Family aspirations?  Save.  Enjoy.  Travel.  Babies.  Time together.  Pretty much just savor the time with my amazing family.  I've got one incredible husband and we're both a bit overworked.  Spending quality time together is medicine for our souls and renews us.  Spending fun times with our family does the trick as well, I love nothing more than laughing with our family over a nice yummy dinner.  We are so blessed.

What sets you on fire?  What do you hope to achieve in this one lovely life?

reverb10, #12 - body integration

Today's reverb10 prompt is from Patrick Reynolds.
"Body integration.  This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body?  Did you have a moment where there wasn't mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?"


This year, I've delved deeper into alternative and complementary therapies in efforts to achieve a balanced and united mind, body, and spirit.  About 3 years ago, I started acupuncture, which has been an incredible journey.  Acupuncture branched off into holographic memory resolution (healing troubled spots in the body that store traumatic emotions), mayan abdominal massage and yoga for fertility.  I am open and willing to try just about anything to nourish this one body I'm renting for this lifetime.  The moment this year when I have felt most integrated with my body was definitely during an acupuncture session.  I could feel my mind drifting away, yet deeper and deeper inward into my body.  Feeling warmth and energy rushing through the meridians of my body while having not a single thought in my mind was an amazing, peaceful feeling.  I would 'awaken' from acupuncture feeling refreshed, cleansed and totally exhausted at the same time.  I often told my acupuncturist that I might get pulled over for a DUI, as acupuncture made me feel high as a kite.  I find that western medicine can only take me so far, and I have found great success in utilizing complementary treatments to improve my cycles (and in turn improve fertility), help my back pain and increase energy levels.  Step outta your comfort zone and try something new! Your body (mind and spirit) will thank you!

yes!

Went to the doc today for a checkup!

I lost 8 pounds since my last visit in the end of October!

WOOOO HOOOOO!

family pics

Some cute pics from Dave & Shelley's rehearsal dinner!  We had a great time!  We sure miss Lindsey, Uncle Dick and Aunt Linda!! XOXOXOX  P.S. Thanks to Katie for letting me borrow the super cute top! :)

happy thanksgiving!

Some pics from our Thanksgivings!  We spent most of the week down and out with the norovirus! Yucks!  We had a great time at the Merks and ate delicious homemade pizzas!  We had a wonderful day with the Bruno famiglia, especially cutie pie Grams.  

best day ever! well, really the worst, but now the BEST!

Sorry for the blog overload...lots of catching up to do!
No. big. deal.....I just celebrated my 7 year cancer-versary!!!!! YES!  It's been an interesting anniversary...less anxiety, more peace, more 'back to normal.'  I remember shortly after completing treatment, I confided in my psychosocial oncologist that I prayed that one day would pass without thinking about cancer.  Many days pass without it crossing my mind.  When it enters my mind, a memory from treatment, a fear, a scary thought, it simply swirls around in my consciousness....I acknowledge it, honor it and it passes and disappears.  It's a beautiful place to be.  I am blessed for the support I had through it all, my amazing mama, there with me every step of the way.  I felt this weird obligation to celebrate just to give myself the peace of mind that I didn't let this occasion pass by without appreciating it or celebrating it.  Sure I get scared of what the future could bring with long term side effects, but I feel grateful I have my health now.  I am incredibly, incredibly blessed.  There are no words to describe my gratitude.
We celebrated the weekend by going to Tufano's for a yummy dinner and Zoo Lights with Matty and Danielle.  Here's some pics from the night:

What a fun night and a great way to celebrate!  To life!

reverb 10, let go

The prompt for this Reverb10 post comes from author, Alice Bradley.  Alice asks, "Let go.  What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?"

This year, both Dan and I struggled to let go of control.  I think, now that December is rounding January, we've reached a healthy point in just letting go and being.  This whole year was filled with uncertainty, transitions, worries, relief, blessings, you name it.  The beginning of the year we were trying to let go of the uncertainty of employment, a job search for Dan.  He worked so hard for nearly a year to find a job, and two years completing his masters of education from DePaul.  I am terribly proud of all his accomplishments and how hard he worked to take care of our family.  The summer brought uncertainty about if I would/where I would find a job, where we'd live, etc.  Sadly, the economy has hit even the 'recession-proof' industries of healthcare and education.  We are grateful Dan found such an amazing job in a building with such compassionate, strong leadership.  I am so thankful I was able to secure a job at Evanston after my residency was complete.  Everything we tried to control, (where to live, where to work, will we work?, how will we make ends meet?) ended up working out in the end...we had no real control over any of the situations.
I think what we truly let go of this year, especially over the last few months was control over when we'd be blessed with a family.   I mean, don't you try your whole adult life NOT to get pregnant?!?!?  You'd think the second you "try", bam!, baby!  Not. so. much.  Some friends are more aware than others of our fertility journey, but we've hit a few bumps in the road.  By no means are we down and out, but the last few years have been filled with complicated diagnoses, uphill battles and even a few pity parties here and there...I'm human, what can I do?
We learned we cannot control anything.  Nothing.  I am not privileged enough to gaze into the future and see what lies ahead.  What I do know? I trust God.  I trust the Universe.  I know I will be a mother someday.  The best mother.  I know Dan will be an amazing father.  I know these things for sure.  I know that struggling to get something you've dreamed your whole life for isn't the easiest road, but I will not take the blessings we receive throughout this journey for granted.  I trust good things are ahead.  I choose to let go of that which I cannot control (which is just about everything).  Trying to control the uncontrollable is a constant struggle, a painful battle filled with confusion and fear.  I have finally just tried my best to choose to relinquish control and trust.  It's hard, but we have an incredible support network that believes in us.  For that we are grateful.  It helps us let go.
DISCLAIMER!
For those who care, please read on, for those who are not interested in hearing the words, uterus, cervix, or ovulation, please stop reading.  I won't hold it against you. :)  Included are a few words of advice for how to help/support friends who are trying to conceive.  We know your hearts are in the right place but sometimes it can be hard to explain over and over what's going on, so....

Here's the low down.  We've been trying since summer.  Decided to stop for awhile and re-evaluate, take a break from the emotional stress.  Please don't say "it's only been 5 months, sometimes it takes couples a year!"  Every month that passes feels like a year and feels like you'll NEVER get pregnant.  Irrational, but true.  We had an early loss.  Please don't say, "well at least you know you can get pregnant!!!"  Yes, but an awfully terrible way to find out.  I can't even imagine what a late trimester loss would be like, I would not wish it on my worst enemy, but we still lost the idea, the dream of what we prayed for.  With chemo, we worry about my fertile lifespan being cut short.  As for now, my ovarian reserve and hormones appear normal, thank God.  Not sure how long we've got, but hopefully enough time to have a few little miracles of love.  I've got Factor V Leiden (a clotting disorder) that can make getting pregnant/staying pregnant difficult.  It can be associated with recurrent losses, but can hopefully be avoided by taking blood thinning injections once I am pregnant.  I have two uteruses...or is it uteri?  At first I was told it was a heart shaped or bicornuate uterus.  It's a Mullerian Anomaly, that occurred when I was in my mama's belly.  It was nothing anyone could have prevented, just a crazy aberration.  At first I was told it was two uteri, one cervix...which was 'more favorable' for pregnancy.  Recently, it was confirmed that it is in fact two uteri, two cervices and one vagina...oh, yes...some people have two vaginas.  Double the love, I 'spose.   No, one uterus can't be surgically removed, it just doesn't work that way.  Anyway, uterine anomalies can make it difficult to get pregnant, stay pregnant and cause increased risks sometimes during pregnancies (growth restriction, malpresentation, losses, cervical incompetence, i.e. bed rest so as not to go into preterm labor).  All, some or none of these scary things can occur.  I can have a perfectly normal pregnancy and birth.  It is incredibly rare, like one in a million rare.  Here's a picture if you're trying to get a mental idea of what the anatomy is like:      

Double the fun! 

So, back to letting go...this is all out of my control.  We have decided to make life easier and just accept the cards that we've been dealt and trust it'll all work out.  It always seems to in the end.  We appreciate prayers, love and support.  We know good things are on their way.  We are blessed in so many ways, our health, our amazing family and friends...we know someday we'll have a whole mess of babies and I won't have anything else to talk about... :)  Thanks for listening.  I feel ten pounds lighter already.  Feel free to share your stories of what you're trying to let go of this year.  Blessings to you all....   

  

delicious!

Our friends make the cutest babies...i just wanna eat their cheeks.

Here are the cutest little boyfriend and girlfriend...the future Mr & Mrs. Jasper Lines. :)

Oh, sweet Jasperman, you are one handsome fellow.  Auntie Dana misses you so much!!!

Babby Lia!  Auntie Dana loves snuggling with you!!!

Drew, Sara, Pat and Liz, thanks for sharing your incredibly sweet babies with us! We love you!

reflect and manifest

Joanna over at the Pale Wisconsinite is participating in Reverb 10, an online event where authors provide bloggers with prompts and we write away!  It's a great way to "reflect on this year and manifest what's next."  Work has got me feeling pretty exhausted, but I will write as much as I can.

Here's author Gwen Bell's prompt for Dec. 1st.  (I just learned about this today, so I'm a few days behind :)

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

2010- Survival  (this just happens to be the SAME word as the lovely Pale Wisconsinite, but it is the first and only word that comes to mind for 2010!)  We worked our butts off to finish our graduate degrees in June and August of 2010.  Dan spent the majority of 2010 looking for work as he was laid off in October of 2009.  We lived off loans, babysitting money and unemployment for the last year of graduate school.  I still don't know how we made it through.  Our families helped us tremendously.  We lived like 'students' and hope to keep that mindset now that we have jobs.  Money certainly isn't everything, but unfortunately we weren't born rich instead of funny and beautiful....we need enough to live and enjoy this one blessed life we've been given. (My mom always jokes, "why wasn't I born rich instead of beautiful?" :)    

2011- Hope  We are going to try our best to just enjoy all the incredible blessings we've been given this coming new year.  If I could choose more than one word, it'd be "Stop, Breathe, and Hope..."  We move so fast through life...one lifetime is not enough to love all the people I want to love, do all I want to do, see all I want to see.  We need to just stop for a minute, breathe in the healing, bright love of our universe and enjoy the life we've been given.  This year we hope our trials in fertility-land will give us the gift of a family.  That's all we hope for.  Every prayer I offer up is to settle into our grateful life, be thankful for what we've been given and thankful in advance for all good things that are to come.