made me smile

We did some major spring cleaning this week and consolidated my thousands of memory boxes into a half dozen or so.  I. save. everything.  Every card.  Every sweet note.  Everything.  I came across the most beautiful card from one of my very best friends, Katie.  Katie & I go back to freshman year of college at Barat.  Can't believe it's been 12 years!  That's almost half our lives! :)  The card was dated March 2011, and I am humbled and grateful for her endless support.  Especially through this infertility business.  Katie has been a source of laughter, strength and has heard me get extremely excited only to be crushed and sobbing days later.  She's been there for the highs and lows and I am so thankful for her friendship.

A sweet excerpt from the card  (sorry, Katie, I had to share, it made me smile so big...)

"I can't wait for Baby Merk to get here so we can have adult play dates with our babies. :)  You are such an inspiration to me and so many others.  I hope you know that.  I don't know what I'd do without you.  Hope you're having a wonderful day getting covered in baby juices!  I can't wait to have your baby juice all over my camera.  Love you!"

HA!  LOVE!  I do get covered in baby goo at work and Katie will be my doula/photographer when we do have our sweet baby.  So, hell yes, I can't wait to splash Katie's new Canon Mark 5D.  Get a waterproof cover, sister! :)

I love you, girlfriend!!! XOXOX

In that memory box, I came across an amazing card from Mindy.  Mindy is my lifemate, my poops, my everything!  We are quote and card whores and love sending each other the best quotes. 

Mindy and I have been friends for 9 freakin years.  Unbelievable.  I am so happy for her, for her happiness.  We've come a long way together!  Mindy never fails to find the perfect words to ease my heart and give me strength.  I love you, Mindo.  You are everything I could ask for in a friend.  When we talk on the phone the miles between us disappear and our talks always bring me comfort and laughs.

The quote on Mindy's card said... 

"The biggest thing in this world, bigger than the ocean and the sky, is your heart"

-Do Hyun Choe

The inside read "My friend, my lifemate, who carries the biggest heart of anyone I know, please never lose faith.  There is so much room in your heart, for so much love.  It will all happen for you.  I have faith that everything that is good in this world will come your way.  Love you poopers"

An oldie but a goodie.  Love this picture of us.  

I am so grateful for these lovely ladies and all my angel girlfriends who make this one short life that much sweeter.  I am so blessed to have such amazing friends!  

february...

February was a fresh start.  A funny time for a fresh start, with the world still and chilly, Spring seems to be forever away.  But, a great start indeed.

photo courtesy of JayHell on Etsy

photo courtesy of craftsanddogs on Etsy

courtesy of augustempress.com on Pinterest

Thanks to my amazing mother, her generosity, & her dedication to helping her grandchild be with us Earthside, I started weekly acupuncture treatments at my favorite acupuncture joint, The Nest on Rockwell in Chicago.  Dan and I have done acupuncture on and off for the last 5 years.  I fell in love with the Nest as the lovely ladies there specialize in fertility, women's health, pregnancy, pediatrics, etc.  Jen is the primary practitioner I see and I love her with my whole, whole heart.  She started me on a regimen of daily herbs to strengthen my body and help balance it out to make it a hospitable home.  The herbs cleared up my skin, gave me more energy and an improved sense of well being.  Acupuncture makes me stoned :) and completely relaxed, at peace and I feel I am in contact with a plane just above this world during treatments.  I feel every little twitch, tingle, shiver and twinge as my qi gets moving and balance restored.  I leave feeling like myself again.  I lost my ground in February, feeling completely unlike my true, genuine self.  I'd look in the mirror and wonder who the hell was looking back at me.  I had become utterly desperate in the fight to become pregnant that I was losing myself.  I was losing my silly, positive, happy self. Life is too damn short for that monkey business.  I am a child of God.  I am a cancer survivor.  I am a daughter, a sister, a wife and I feel I am a mother, I just don't happen to have any children quite yet. :) I have so much to be thankful for and this roller coaster knocked me off my feet for the last time.  I feel strong now.  I feel like I am doing everything I can to help my body.  I feel empowered.  Regardless of whether or not we become pregnant because of acupuncture, herbs, nutrition etc, at least I am cherishing and honoring my body.  I will feel strong regardless.

We did another round of IUI in February.  This time, no drugs.  Just acupuncture, herbs, vitamins, healthy eating and blood work and ultrasounds for monitoring from Dr Wood Molo's office.  No luck again in February, but research shows that 3+ months of acupuncture is needed for fertility improvement.  IUI has a success rate of just over natural conception, around 15-20% chance of pregnancy with each insemination.  Acupuncture can help raise those numbers, but really, they are just numbers.  If I had listened to numbers in 2003, I would not be typing this...with my pitiful 20% chance of survival (Fuck you, Mayo Clinic handbook, you made my mom have a breakdown!) Surviving cancer puts this infertility bullshit in perspective, it really does.  

My traditional chinese herbs.  6 scoops of nasty soil smelling powder in hot water, 2 times daily.  Definitely have to plug my nose and chug it.  Dry heaves, no doubt.

Looks like coffee, tastes like dirt and ass.

Acupuncture points and meridians

Needlin' up

it's been too long! we'll start with January...

I suck as far as blogging goes.  One of my New Year's goals was to blog once weekly.  Ha!  My last blog was from January.  Oh well, now I shall bombard you with four months of our lives!  I'll pick up where I left off in the end of January...

We celebrated my oldest and dearest friend, Stephanie's 30th birthday!  It was a fabulous little party at a bar called The Office in St Charles.  It was a lovely turnout and a beautiful night for an even more beautiful woman!

Family building update - 

The end of January we did our first round of IUI (intrauterine insemination) with injectible drugs.  We thought the timing was right, but no luck this first round.  Here's some pictures from our first IUI.  Our camera is often glued to my hand, so I had to take some shots:

I love this picture.  This was our first mail order arrival of fertility drugs.  Follistim (to help stimulate ovaries to make a stronger egg/multiple eggs, keep estrogen up), Ovidrel (to induce ovulation/help keep progesterone levels up), Ganerelix (to halt the action of Follistim when things get too crazy)  Oh, and a big ass bag of Snickers and sour Skittles because I EAT MY FEELINGS!!!  :)

Rush's Clinical Andrology Lab  Staffed by the sweetest, most respectful lady around.  She makes a difficult situation so much easier.

Found a recliner in the new hospital near the garden and meditated to my wonderful fertility meditation tracks

Where the magic happens is supposed to happen  :(

How you doin?

One hundred million little guys in here...I only need one to stick!

January was very medicalized, lots of shots, lots of drugs, lots of crying and doctors appointments and feeling unlike myself.  February gets much better, I promise (nope not pregnant, but still much better)...Stay tuned!

one more thing...

I don't wanna brag, but I am one lucky lady.  Dan is an amazing husband, more than I could ever ask for.  We've been through a lot together in just over 4 years of marriage and I wouldn't want to travel this journey with anyone else.  Just an acknowledgment to the universe for blessing me with my best friend and soul mate.  

I mean, just look at this handsome fellow....

Thank you, Dan...You are the best husband ever.  I love you forever.

long time, no see - randoms & updates

Sorry, friends! This last month and a half slipped away, with the holidays and all.  Happy New Year!!!

May 2012 bless you with peace, fulfillment and love.

December 18th we went to another Hawks game this season! We are loving on our Hawkie Hawks!!!  I love Stalberg & Hossa & Toews, oh my!!!  My mom was awesome enough to buy us tix again and we all went to a fabulous game where the Hawks got the win.  We brought along Jason and Heidi.  It was Heidi's first game!!!

Now on to Christmas!  Christmas was amazing.  Very relaxing, didn't have to work (YEAH!), spent time with my favorite people on earth.  Here's some pics from Christmas:

Nothing says Christmas like a bow and arrow

My handsome brody

Love this kid

Love my hat from my Uncle Kiki

Most of the Bruno gang

My Gramma's baby...don't be jealous of her purse

Mama & Papa Merk

Snuggles for the mama

New Years Eve and Day I was working, but had a fun, low key dinner and NYE celebration at the Fullers house.  We had a blast.  I promise we went out on New Years, I just forgot to take pics :)

Dan had a relaxing Christmas break off from school.  We both have been fighting yucky virus/cold bugs the past few weeks.  We've been glued to the couch all week, coughing up a storm.  Hopefully we'll be back to our good old selves soon.  

Random happy thought....I am SO happy for my lifemate, Mindy.  She has found the love of her life, also named Dan and I could not be happier for her.  Seriously, my heart melts every time I hear her smiling on the other end of the phone.  Even better, Dan has a midwest connection and family in Illinois!  That means visits to Chicago!  YEAH!!!  Look at how cute these kids are:

Family building update....

December was a no go.  Oh well.  We started fertility injections in November (Ovidrel one week apart).  November, no luck.  We tried different fertility injections in December (Follistim, Ganirelix, Ovidrel, for those playing at home...)  Luck! But a little too much of a good thing.  I took the teeniest, tiniest dose of Follistim, to help encourage a heartier ovulation, with healthier estrogen levels to sustain a pregnancy.  I am lucky enough to ovulate on my own, so I just wanted ONE healthy follicle to be fertilized.  Well, my mom always said I was an overachiever and BAM!  10 eggs.  Yup. 10.  Octomom meet Decamom.  6 on the left.  4 on the right.  At least 4 very mature follicles with 6 strong ones as well.  We were instructed to not even go near each other.  Seriously.  It would have been a clown car....a complete disaster if more than one had fertilized since my uterus is not equipped to hold more than one.  (Hence the photo above...) All jokes aside, the doctor and nurse practitioner both brought up selective reduction and I did not want to even have that conversation.  It was not worth the risk to jump in and hope 4 eggs didn't fertilize and deal with the repercussions later.  We abandoned ship, a wise choice, and will keep moving forward.   When the 10 follicles ovulated, it was awful.  A good ol' case of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.  Look it up, and you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy.  

 Our plan was to do IUI this month, but my sweet fellow had a fever for wayyyy too many days and probably cooked our little babies.  And, the case of hyperstimulation syndrome left behind many ovarian cysts which have interfered with normal hormone production.  One step forward, two steps back.  Oh well, I fully, completely, even in my darkest days, believe that God is good, the universe will bless us with a healthy pregnancy and fat happy baby.  So, we'll see.  Just keep swimming, right?

Anyway, one of my goals for the New Year was to blog more, I've been slacking...So far, not so good :)  I'll try to keep up!  Wishing everyone a healthy and happy January.  May the hope of Spring get us through the chilly months.  

eight years of gratitude

Tomorrow marks eight. whole. years. since I was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia.  There are no words to accurately capture my feelings on the experience.  It changed my entire being.  Going through hell, making it through to the other side and looking back with disbelief, shock and gratitude is a mind blowing, soul changing experience.  I am grateful for my beautiful mother who was with me every step of the way.  I would not have made it through (or laughed so much in the face of adversity) without her. I am grateful for my family, friends and the kindness of strangers who supported us.

What a difference eight years makes....

The beautiful thing about eight years passing is today, this weekend, each and every day is just a normal, boring day.  We (Mom and I) would pray for 'boring' days in the hospital.  Uneventful days with stable vitals, normal labs, peace and quiet.  Each ordinary day since then is an absolute blessing.  

May you and yours stop for a moment this weekend to recognize and appreciate the beauty of a normal, boring day.  To everyone who has supported us over the years, thank you from the bottom of my very happy heart.  Health is your greatest wealth.  I can't believe how lucky I am.  God is good.  I am blessed and thankful that my family, friends, amazing doctors and faith in God helped me through it all.

***If you or someone you know is a young adult needing support after a cancer diagnosis please visit some organizations that do amazing work and helped make me who I am today***:

Stupid Cancer 

The SAMFund

Fertile Hope

Planet Cancer

Everything Changes

And one more very important message before you go....

a get well wish

...for my oldest and dearest friend, Stephanie.  She's been through one hell of a week, in and out of the hospital for what doctors believe is an episode of multiple sclerosis.  Stephanie is the kindest, most loving, and trustworthy person I know.  We can go days, weeks, months without talking, yet feel as if no time has passed at all.  She is an amazing friend, mother, sister, wife, daughter, teacher and I am in awe of how strong she is throughout this challenge.  May the new year bring renewed health, peace and love for my angel of a friend.  

P.S. Stephanie is the FUNNIEST person I know and we can't help but nearly pee our pants when we get together.  We can't take a serious picture to save our lives.  See below :)  

I love you, Steph! I will always be here for you, no matter what.  You are so strong, so beautiful and you can overcome any obstacle thrown at you.  I believe in you!