keep in the sunlight

Apologies for the blogging delay!  The sun is too bright and I'd rather spend my days playing outside!  

UPDATE!  (read part 1 first if you haven't already...)

-Surgery went well.  Not how we thought it'd turn out, but still successful.  The so-called uterine 'septum' could not be removed because it was too vascular.  (Too much blood flow and it would have caused too much scarring/damage if it were removed).  Dr WM said it would have been 'reckless' to attempt to remove the seputm.  During the surgery, Dr WM found something she was not looking for, which were uterine or endometrial polyps.  These little buggers interfered with conception and/or disrupted implantation which contributed to our lack of pregnancy and our early losses.  She took those stinkers out and did a little 'gut rehab' as Dan calls it.  While the hysteroscope was in she did a d&c to clean up the lining and make sure the polyps were out.  So, basically the doc said my uterus is not bicornuate, not septate, but not really didelphys.  She's calling it a 'didelphys variant' because a true 'double uterus' should also have two cervices, and I only have the one.  Thankfully. :)  The structure may or may not cause us trouble conceiving, we'll just have to see.  It sounds like this little polyps were the issue.

Recovery was not so bad.  The first few days were rough with the balloon in, but my amazing mama and super husband kept me cozy and in good company.  The outpouring of support and love from friends, family, strangers filled my heart up.  It makes me feel a little less alone knowing I'm not the only one in my little world that's struggled to start a family.  I am unbelievably blessed.

Next step, saline sonogram this Friday.  We may get the green light to start trying this week.  But.  But.  BUT....  I'm nervous.  So is Dan.  I cannot describe how freeing it was to have surgery, knowing it was going to actively fix a problem while we could sit back and not worry about trying.  Trying to conceive for a year is rough.  (I know people do it for years and years so I better count my blessings, but it is what it is.)  It's emotionally draining, physically demoralizing and completely all consuming.  We've tried to keep a light heart about it, but in order to be fully invested, you must commit to multiple doctor appointments per week, blood tests here, ultrasounds there, supplementing with progesterone, and so on and so on.  It gets exhausting.  I want to do something to mark a fresh start.  Something ritualistic, something cleansing.  Being in nature?  A deep meditation?  A new cleanse/exercise regime? I'm looking for ideas to prepare ourselves spiritually, physically, emotionally to head down this road again.  It feels wrong to just jump back in without processing this crazy year and connecting with one another and staying strong together on this journey ahead.  

Thank you for your blessings, your emails, phone calls, messages, songs, everything you have done to make us feel so very loved.  We. Are. BLESSED!

I'll leave you with a lovely quote by Ben Franklin...

'Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.'

And from one of my favorite Etsy artists, Katie Daisy

Courtesy of the Wheatfield on Etsy  

mystery solved! family building update!

Long time, no blog!  It's been a busy summer, lots of adventures (I'll catch up with a blog overload shortly).

So, a pelvic MRI (Thank you, amazingly bright Dr Wood Molo!), a 3D ultrasound with doppler study, found that my uterus is not two uteruses after all, but one uterus divided in two by a septum.  

Exhibit A, a normal babymaker:

Exhibit B, my babymaker, split in two by a septum

You're probably thinking, 'what the eff is a septum?'  Well, think of a bell pepper as a uterus.  The red part is healthy, blood rich tissue (where an embryo would like to call home).  The septum is the white part of a bell pepper, so when baby tries to implant, there's nothing to sustain it, hence these multiple chemical pregnancies/early losses.  My babymaker has a full septum from the top of the uterus (fundus) down to the cervix.  So, thankfully, after a long road, this. can. be. FIXED!  My amazing magical detective doctor will go in through the cookie (still pretty gross, but better than getting my belly cut open) with a scope and teeny tiny scissors and snip the sucker out.  It's an outpatient surgery, so I'll be at Rush for most of the day and then go home and sleep off my Propofol cocktail (Michael Jackson's drug o'choice...).  Only bummer is I have to have a balloon up in there for 4 days to keep the uterus open so it won't scar on itself.  The balloon has a drainage tube on the end and at the end of the tube there will be, per Dr Wood Molo, "a few fingers from a surgical glove, taped to your leg...so when the tube/glove fingers fill with blood, it'll look like you have a boner on your leg."  Awesome. My doctor is Macgyver-ing a weiner to my leg.  My FAVEY!

Hopefully after I heal, my uterus will look like this:

God answered our prayers in a very unusual fashion, though we appreciate the answers all the same.  It sucks I need surgery, but I am grateful it can be fixed.  I need to heal up and then we can start again on the road to meeting our own chubby, adorable little baby.  Dan and I are beyond thankful for our family and friends, all the love and prayers that have been given to us during this journey.  We could not get through it without you and we appreciate you walking this trying road with us.  So, tomorrow is the BIG DAY!!!!  Operation Fix-the-Babymaker!  Surgery is at 10:30am.  Send your prayers and light on over to Rush's operating room tomorrow please, to bless the doctors, and let the surgery be a successful one.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your support.  Words don't do justice to how grateful we are for our loving support system.  You iz AWESOME!

Oh, and here's a really cute picture of us, just to convince the universe that we really should pass our adorable genes down: