Harper loved playing with our glasses!
Sweet potato!!
Big boy gets a haircut!
What a beautiful mama!
Mmmmm! Black bean goatee!
We love you guys! Thank you for being the best friends ever! XOXO
Sunday, January 31, 2010
it's such a perfect day
What a fun relaxing weekend we had with Kels, Noah and big boy, Harper. It was so nice to giggle with K&N and to just marvel in how amazing Harper is....his constant babbling, watching him max out on black beans, soup, crackers and dump a whole container of sweet potatoes down himself, playing with him, laughing at him jump on the bed, always giving us hugs and cuddles.... He is just a bundle of love, that little guy. Here's a few pics from our weekend. We can't wait to see them again in 3 weeks for Harpsy's 1st birthday. We are so blessed to have Kelsy, Noah and now, Harper, in our lives. Their friendship is a blessing in our lives. We really look up to them as parents and can't wait to get cracking on making a little playmate for Harper.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
little spelunker
Just had to share this video of our beloved little buddy, Harper. Noah built him a super rad tunnel in the basement. We are so excited to go to Green Bay tomorrow to see Noah, Kels and big boy Harps. He is growing up into such a handsome man and we can't wait to snuggle him and play with him in his tunnel! I cannot believe he's almost one. It seems like yesterday we were visiting him at one day old in the hospital. He just gets cuter by the second.
N & K, thanks for letting us spoil your son!! :) :) :) We love you!
N & K, thanks for letting us spoil your son!! :) :) :) We love you!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
drive the dark of doubt away
My pal Joanna inspired me to post this! Today in church, one of the songs was "Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee'' to the tune of Ode to Joy by Beethoven. The words are beautiful and inspiring, talking about nature and such but the tune is a bit slow for my liking. Each time I hear this song, I cannot help but be jolted back to my childhood when I'd watch Sister Act with Grams (one of our favorites at the time). Whoopi and gang really spice up this tune and I am not embarrassed to admit that it's one of my guilty pleasures. I even had to go home and youtube it just so I could sing it again :)
In all seriousness, I love the words. Especially "hearts unfold like flowers before thee, opening to the sun above"...and "drive the dark of doubt away."
For your viewing pleasure, a throwback to Sister Act 2...enjoy:
In all seriousness, I love the words. Especially "hearts unfold like flowers before thee, opening to the sun above"...and "drive the dark of doubt away."
For your viewing pleasure, a throwback to Sister Act 2...enjoy:
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
live what is in your heart to do
Call me crunchy, hippy, whatever, but I totally meditated into a lovely relaxed state to this:
http://www.satkartarmusic.com/index.php
I was introduced to Sat Kartar in yoga class a few years ago. I learned a chant from her disc, 'Flow' called "On Namo, Guru Dev Namo." This translates to "I call upon Divine Wisdom." Who doesn't need a dose of divine wisdom? Sat Kartar (the primary chant in the song) translates to "God is true." My yoga teacher taught us the accompanying movements to this song and the second track, "I Am, I Am."
I received my glowingly perfect complete blood count back in the mail today from Dr. B, with a note that all looks fantastic. I hope God knows that every breath into my body and out is filled with gratitude for my health.
Peace, light and freedom from worry to all.
http://www.satkartarmusic.com/index.php
I was introduced to Sat Kartar in yoga class a few years ago. I learned a chant from her disc, 'Flow' called "On Namo, Guru Dev Namo." This translates to "I call upon Divine Wisdom." Who doesn't need a dose of divine wisdom? Sat Kartar (the primary chant in the song) translates to "God is true." My yoga teacher taught us the accompanying movements to this song and the second track, "I Am, I Am."
I received my glowingly perfect complete blood count back in the mail today from Dr. B, with a note that all looks fantastic. I hope God knows that every breath into my body and out is filled with gratitude for my health.
Peace, light and freedom from worry to all.
Monday, January 18, 2010
turn the dirt over, if you want to grow back
The last few weeks I have been a certified head-case. It started with back pain over New Year's Eve (very reminiscent back pain, pain down my posterior iliac crest a.k.a. bone marrow town, a pain I had before diagnosis, during/after biopsies and intermittently over the past six years). Normally, it goes away on it's own and I can just 'pop' the stuck feeling back into place. No such luck this time. It comes and goes, to and fro and I think it is exacerbated by Jillian Michaels' kicking my ass on the Biggest Loser DVDs. Every time I feel the pain, it transports my brain into an fear driven spiral to a bad place. Exhibit A: Feels back pain. Thinking brain turns on and goes a little something like this: back pain=cancer is back=transplant=lose my lifelong dream of having a family and so on and so on. I have tried the works, deep breathing, a little Ativan here and there, talking it out, but there is no reasoning with fear. To top it off, I spent the first day of clinical on the hem/onc floor and it did not go as well as I had hoped. My teacher was wicked insensitive, just terrible and the sadness on that floor was too much. With some pushing and love from Gwen, I switched clinicals (very good choice) so I could focus on doing a good job without the pukey stress of being up there again. So anyway, I needed a little Dana healing time and went over to the lovely Sally's house for a bit of Holographic Memory Resolution. I am open to anything and I after my session with Sally, I felt lifted, a bit more free from my fear/pain trap. She is an angel and has such a healing way about her.
As someone who looks for signs in the universe, I was given another sign today. I had a little epiphany in the car with Dan today. The feelings I am having feel awfully familiar to the feelings I had a few months before our wedding. I felt like things were so wonderful, I was so blessed, I was about to marry my best friend, I was healthy and on top of the world...when. is. the. other. shoe. going. to. drop? I made the connection that these familiar feelings may have to do with another upcoming life transition that I have been looking forward to for FOREVER. Dan and I are literally putting 'x' marks on the calendar and counting down the days til graduation and graduation=baby time. I have wanted nothing more out of life than to be a mother, start a family with Dan and enjoy the little things in life. I think the fear that snuck up on me before the wedding is inching its way back before this milestone too. I don't believe in coincidences, so it must have been meant to be that on Kairol's blog today she wrote about cancer and life transitions and she quoted from my chapter.
That leads me to 'canceritis'
This is a summary of an article written by Jeff Kane, MD from the Sept./Oct. issue of Coping With Cancer magazine.
Canceritis
Getting paranoid? It’s canceritis and it’s normal. If you’ve had cancer, you’ll have canceritis.
Canceritis is fear of cancer. You get some ache or pain and right away you think it’s cancer. It comes with the territory.
Somehow I don’t think the term “canceritis” is going to find it’s way into standard medical journals. It’ll need a more dignified, scientific label. So for you doctors reading this, I suggest we call it “Post-Cancer Syndrome,” or PCS.
PSC is the anxiety-producing, tenacious and eminently understandable tendency among people who have had cancer to assume that every symptom represents a cancer recurrence until proven otherwise.
The question is,”Who do I see, my internist or my oncologist?” Say you have back pain…
Since PCS is a reaction both unreasonable and reasonable, the decision is up to you. Your internist can find a common enough answer for a back pain, such as over-ambitious gardening.
Cancer tattoos your memory. There’s no way around that, but with time it fades. No one, regardless of their history, can be certified entirely free of cancer, they are in remission.
A headache can seem like a brain tumor, but it could be tension, stress, allergies.
If you live long enough, you’re pretty certain to develope another disease or two, which will give you even more to think about. Now, is that bad news or more good news?
So that's where I am right now. I am trying to overcome this fear and replace the dark spots with healing, white bright light. I was doing SO great for so long. Any tips on stomping the fear?
"Thinking is the source of problems...Your heart holds the answer to solving them"-Wayne Dyer
Peace and health-filled thoughts.
D
As someone who looks for signs in the universe, I was given another sign today. I had a little epiphany in the car with Dan today. The feelings I am having feel awfully familiar to the feelings I had a few months before our wedding. I felt like things were so wonderful, I was so blessed, I was about to marry my best friend, I was healthy and on top of the world...when. is. the. other. shoe. going. to. drop? I made the connection that these familiar feelings may have to do with another upcoming life transition that I have been looking forward to for FOREVER. Dan and I are literally putting 'x' marks on the calendar and counting down the days til graduation and graduation=baby time. I have wanted nothing more out of life than to be a mother, start a family with Dan and enjoy the little things in life. I think the fear that snuck up on me before the wedding is inching its way back before this milestone too. I don't believe in coincidences, so it must have been meant to be that on Kairol's blog today she wrote about cancer and life transitions and she quoted from my chapter.
That leads me to 'canceritis'
This is a summary of an article written by Jeff Kane, MD from the Sept./Oct. issue of Coping With Cancer magazine.
Canceritis
Getting paranoid? It’s canceritis and it’s normal. If you’ve had cancer, you’ll have canceritis.
Canceritis is fear of cancer. You get some ache or pain and right away you think it’s cancer. It comes with the territory.
Somehow I don’t think the term “canceritis” is going to find it’s way into standard medical journals. It’ll need a more dignified, scientific label. So for you doctors reading this, I suggest we call it “Post-Cancer Syndrome,” or PCS.
PSC is the anxiety-producing, tenacious and eminently understandable tendency among people who have had cancer to assume that every symptom represents a cancer recurrence until proven otherwise.
The question is,”Who do I see, my internist or my oncologist?” Say you have back pain…
Since PCS is a reaction both unreasonable and reasonable, the decision is up to you. Your internist can find a common enough answer for a back pain, such as over-ambitious gardening.
Cancer tattoos your memory. There’s no way around that, but with time it fades. No one, regardless of their history, can be certified entirely free of cancer, they are in remission.
A headache can seem like a brain tumor, but it could be tension, stress, allergies.
If you live long enough, you’re pretty certain to develope another disease or two, which will give you even more to think about. Now, is that bad news or more good news?
So that's where I am right now. I am trying to overcome this fear and replace the dark spots with healing, white bright light. I was doing SO great for so long. Any tips on stomping the fear?
"Thinking is the source of problems...Your heart holds the answer to solving them"-Wayne Dyer
Peace and health-filled thoughts.
D
Thursday, January 14, 2010
all warm and fuzzy
I had to share these. It helps balance out the shit I posted earlier...pun intended. :)
This reminded me of a Joel Osteen message that talked about speaking blessings onto other people. Dan and I try to encourage one another and those we love as much as we can. It definitely feels good to lift others spirits and in turn your own.
Love to all!
all in a day's work
#1, I apologize up front if my humor is out of taste with the current tragedy in Haiti. Dan and I are deeply sad for the destruction and loss the dear people of Haiti are enduring. We applaud the state department/Red Cross for getting the text message donation plan up so quickly. We helped in what small ways we can.
#2, it's been a really hard week at school. Very emotional, very tiring....for both of us. I am studying last night, completing my homework before lab this morning and I come across this chart in my book. I read the descriptions to Dan and asked him to guess what I was describing. I literally had tears in my eyes from laughter. I hope it makes you laugh too.
My favorite is a tie between sausage with cracks or fluffy pieces. Who came up with these descriptions? Poop will always be funny. Watching countless people suffering in the hospital, I am not ashamed to admit that this made my night.
Laughs and peace to all.
#2, it's been a really hard week at school. Very emotional, very tiring....for both of us. I am studying last night, completing my homework before lab this morning and I come across this chart in my book. I read the descriptions to Dan and asked him to guess what I was describing. I literally had tears in my eyes from laughter. I hope it makes you laugh too.
My favorite is a tie between sausage with cracks or fluffy pieces. Who came up with these descriptions? Poop will always be funny. Watching countless people suffering in the hospital, I am not ashamed to admit that this made my night.
Laughs and peace to all.
Monday, January 11, 2010
if love were enough
I had a wonderful dream about my Papa two nights ago...the dreams are always the same. We meet in this other world between sleep and waking, heaven and earth and just hug, kiss, catch up and express our 'i love yous.' Each dream keeps me yearning for the next one.
I saw this post on the blog I follow "500 Prudent Pieces of Advice for my Baby Daughter." (It's fantastic advice, peppered with modern art and poetry.) I don't mean to be morbid, but I'm feeling sentimental and sure do miss my Papa. His smile, his laugh, the smell of his head (sounds silly, but it was the perfect mix of Old Spice and 'old man' :), his unwavering dedication to our family, his love for Matt and me....how he'd scream and swear at Grams for cheating at cards, his neverending energy when it came to playing with or teaching us, his gift for music and storytelling. He definitely made me who I am today. Miss you, Pops!
I saw this post on the blog I follow "500 Prudent Pieces of Advice for my Baby Daughter." (It's fantastic advice, peppered with modern art and poetry.) I don't mean to be morbid, but I'm feeling sentimental and sure do miss my Papa. His smile, his laugh, the smell of his head (sounds silly, but it was the perfect mix of Old Spice and 'old man' :), his unwavering dedication to our family, his love for Matt and me....how he'd scream and swear at Grams for cheating at cards, his neverending energy when it came to playing with or teaching us, his gift for music and storytelling. He definitely made me who I am today. Miss you, Pops!
#221 If love were enough, no one would ever die.
Yet death is inevitable. Mourning invites magical thinking; you may wonder what you might have done differently to alter what has happened, whether a person would still be alive if you had only loved better or more. Your love can’t keep death at bay, my daughter. But it can comfort you. There is nothing more I can say about grieving; you just grieve.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
come down from the mountain, you have been gone too long
Today was my first day of clinical (orientation at least) on 10 Kellogg for my medical surgical rotation. 10 K is my ol' stompin' ground. I had 2 out of my four rounds of chemo there and spent over 4 months living in room 1012 (split up over a few times, thankfully). I have been back there as much as I could over the past 5-6 years, bringing goody bags to patients, bringing up old books and magazines for them to read, visiting the social worker and nurses...but it was all on my own time and I always had an out. I could leave whenever I wanted to.
Today was different. We sat in the family room for clinical orientation and listened to our very very nice, super smart and lovely clinical instructor tell us what is in store for the next few months. I sat there, sleepy eyed, a bit bored while my hippocampus recalled memory after memory of this place, like slides across a projector screen. Days of emailing Mindy back and forth talking about my and Nick's progress, me standing with my IV pole in the corner of the hallway crying on my cellphone as I was broken up with during my last round of chemo (true story, ladies), my mom and I having pizza parties with fellow patients/families and actually having a 'good' time during my stay there, watching American Idol with the patient care tech, making cards and scrapbooking at my over the bed table....it was like memories I had nearly tucked away for good came rushing back because of my idle brain just sitting there in..that. space. But, bad memories came back too...memories of nausea like no other, pain, fear, heartache, impatience...feeling attacked by your own cells.
We went into a patient room to 'acquaint' ourselves. Needless to say, I could have been the hostess with the most-ess in that joint and led a tour with my eyes closed. Nine of us squeezed into a little room and I happened to get stuck at the head of the bed. As I checked out the bedside equipment, I got a terribly familiar whiff of crisp, clean, cold hospital blanket up my nose. The smell of that blanket brought me right back there. I suppose scent truly does unlock the door to memories. Anyway, I thought I was doing fine, I'm all familiar with everything and as we were walking off the unit to lunch I felt it. Yup. The cry feeling coming up in my throat. WHAT? Where was this coming from? Gwen looked at me and knew I was off so I high tailed it to the bathroom so I could squirt a few little tears in peace. I closed the door, took a few deep breaths, and said one of my new fave mantras that I stole from Christina Applegate "I am a miracle of health. I am a miracle of health." And, then I went on with my day with a smile on my face. I will not let this defeat me. I will not roll over and run away and I easily could have asked to be switched to a different floor so I didn't have to face the music. (I will spend over 18 hours each week for the next 8 weeks there....) I decided that I am up for the challenge. So what, I cried the first day....I am ready to take this on, and approach my patients with a sense of understanding. I have the bittersweet gift if you will of knowing what it feels like to be in their shoes. I hope it helps them. I think it will help make this experience that much more worthwhile. So, that's that. I am taking the high road and want to whoop it up this clinical and help as many patients as I can and gain confidence in managing patient care independently. I can't guarantee a 100% tear free rotation, but I'll do my best. I was surprised that 6 years later, I am still having this visceral of a reaction. I think it may be the timing though...my cancerversary just passed, it is a weird time of year I suppose for me.. But, I am lucky to have some great girlfriends in my group this quarter. I wouldn't make it through (or have nearly as much fun) without them. :)
Here's to facing your fears and walking away with a spring in your step feeling lighter and stronger each day.
Today was different. We sat in the family room for clinical orientation and listened to our very very nice, super smart and lovely clinical instructor tell us what is in store for the next few months. I sat there, sleepy eyed, a bit bored while my hippocampus recalled memory after memory of this place, like slides across a projector screen. Days of emailing Mindy back and forth talking about my and Nick's progress, me standing with my IV pole in the corner of the hallway crying on my cellphone as I was broken up with during my last round of chemo (true story, ladies), my mom and I having pizza parties with fellow patients/families and actually having a 'good' time during my stay there, watching American Idol with the patient care tech, making cards and scrapbooking at my over the bed table....it was like memories I had nearly tucked away for good came rushing back because of my idle brain just sitting there in..that. space. But, bad memories came back too...memories of nausea like no other, pain, fear, heartache, impatience...feeling attacked by your own cells.
We went into a patient room to 'acquaint' ourselves. Needless to say, I could have been the hostess with the most-ess in that joint and led a tour with my eyes closed. Nine of us squeezed into a little room and I happened to get stuck at the head of the bed. As I checked out the bedside equipment, I got a terribly familiar whiff of crisp, clean, cold hospital blanket up my nose. The smell of that blanket brought me right back there. I suppose scent truly does unlock the door to memories. Anyway, I thought I was doing fine, I'm all familiar with everything and as we were walking off the unit to lunch I felt it. Yup. The cry feeling coming up in my throat. WHAT? Where was this coming from? Gwen looked at me and knew I was off so I high tailed it to the bathroom so I could squirt a few little tears in peace. I closed the door, took a few deep breaths, and said one of my new fave mantras that I stole from Christina Applegate "I am a miracle of health. I am a miracle of health." And, then I went on with my day with a smile on my face. I will not let this defeat me. I will not roll over and run away and I easily could have asked to be switched to a different floor so I didn't have to face the music. (I will spend over 18 hours each week for the next 8 weeks there....) I decided that I am up for the challenge. So what, I cried the first day....I am ready to take this on, and approach my patients with a sense of understanding. I have the bittersweet gift if you will of knowing what it feels like to be in their shoes. I hope it helps them. I think it will help make this experience that much more worthwhile. So, that's that. I am taking the high road and want to whoop it up this clinical and help as many patients as I can and gain confidence in managing patient care independently. I can't guarantee a 100% tear free rotation, but I'll do my best. I was surprised that 6 years later, I am still having this visceral of a reaction. I think it may be the timing though...my cancerversary just passed, it is a weird time of year I suppose for me.. But, I am lucky to have some great girlfriends in my group this quarter. I wouldn't make it through (or have nearly as much fun) without them. :)
Here's to facing your fears and walking away with a spring in your step feeling lighter and stronger each day.
Monday, January 4, 2010
happy new year!
Happy New Year to all! I truly cannot believe it's 2010. Dan and I graduated high school TEN years ago. Where has the time gone? We welcomed the new year in a low-key sort of way, we went out to a nice yummy dinner at Pompei (Thank, N&K for the great gift certificate!) and went to Target (my favorite place :) and cuddled on the couch and watched the Hawks game. I barely made it to midnight but stayed awake long enough for Dan to exclaim "It's 2010, we're gonna make a BABY this year!" (We've been waiting a LONG time to say that.) Being a mother has been my dream since I knew what a mom was and the desire to start a family has been on our minds for as long as we've been together. One of our goals for the new year is to remain patient...ahhhh, the ever elusive gift of patience....Anyone willing to share the secret to it? School is all-consuming and it's only the first day, so it's my hope the next two quarters will fly by at warp speed and June will be here in a heartbeat. We have to remind ourselves when our impatience weighs down on us that we are going to school to make the best life we can for our family. All our hard work will pay off when we can have our little babies crawling around and have the luxury of time and financial security to enjoy every precious moment with them.
Anyway, New Year's Day we celebrated a belated Christmas since Matt and Dee were on the cruise. We had a great time! Dan and I picked up Grams from Friendship Village and she was so happy!!! Normally, after twenty minutes outside of Friendship, she starts complaining to go 'home.' We picked her up at 3:30 and she was happy as a clam til 9:30!!! It was a Christmas miracle! :) It was so nice to have her there, talking up a storm, playing with her baby and puppy and just making us laugh all night long. Christmas actually felt almost 'normal' because we could all be there, including our lovable little Grams. She just melts my heart. Mom worked so hard to cook us an incredible feast of chicken vesuvio, beef tenderloin, tortellini, the works. She is such an awesome mom! Here are some pics from the day:
Grams and her baby and new puppy from Ann & Jim
One of these things is not like the other..... :)
Obligatory self-portrait...that's how we roll
Mom & Kik's awesome personalized Bears jerseys Bruno for life, britches!
Kiss the cook! Look at that chicken vesuvio! YUM!
Two Dans and a Matty
Dad & Son!
I love my mama!!
Brody & me!
The two funniest ladies around...i love my Auntie Lori!
Auntie Kathy & Grammy Grams! So cute!
Look at these tree guyz!
What a wonderful Gramma!
Family!
Happy New Year to all! May this year bring us all the gifts of health, patience, happiness and abundant love. We are so fortunate to have such an amazing family and network of hilarious and supportive friends. We struggled a bit this year and will until school is complete...we could not have made it through this year without the love of our parents (feeding us, clothing us, laundering our stinky clothes). We are so so blessed. We felt terrible that this Christmas we couldn't give gifts like we love to do normally, but we PROMISE, we will give you the BEST gift of all very, very soon...in the form of a chubby, happy little grandbaby.
LOVES!
D&D
Anyway, New Year's Day we celebrated a belated Christmas since Matt and Dee were on the cruise. We had a great time! Dan and I picked up Grams from Friendship Village and she was so happy!!! Normally, after twenty minutes outside of Friendship, she starts complaining to go 'home.' We picked her up at 3:30 and she was happy as a clam til 9:30!!! It was a Christmas miracle! :) It was so nice to have her there, talking up a storm, playing with her baby and puppy and just making us laugh all night long. Christmas actually felt almost 'normal' because we could all be there, including our lovable little Grams. She just melts my heart. Mom worked so hard to cook us an incredible feast of chicken vesuvio, beef tenderloin, tortellini, the works. She is such an awesome mom! Here are some pics from the day:
Happy New Year to all! May this year bring us all the gifts of health, patience, happiness and abundant love. We are so fortunate to have such an amazing family and network of hilarious and supportive friends. We struggled a bit this year and will until school is complete...we could not have made it through this year without the love of our parents (feeding us, clothing us, laundering our stinky clothes). We are so so blessed. We felt terrible that this Christmas we couldn't give gifts like we love to do normally, but we PROMISE, we will give you the BEST gift of all very, very soon...in the form of a chubby, happy little grandbaby.
LOVES!
D&D
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