It's been a fairly long and winding road, lots of ups and downs. Lately it feels like more downs than ups. Here's the rundown:
-Trying to start a family since August.
-Lots of complicated things going on...click here for an overview
-Multiple visits to different doctors, but still no concrete answers
-Our patience is being tested, our faith shaky, our hearts are hurting and our emotions are just drained
All I have ever wanted to be in my life is a mother. Sure, I love being a nurse, but since I was a child, I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I 'mother' everyone I know. :) I have the best mom in the world, so I have even more reason to want to be like her. Dan wants nothing more than to be a father. He's got an amazing dad and I know Dan will be the most fun, most loving dad around. It's so hard because inside, I 'feel' like a mom. I just don't happen to have any kids yet. Not sure if that even makes any sense...but it's how I feel. The core of my identity is a nurturing, mother role. I read parenting and mothering books and magazines, I love all my friends babies as if they were my own, my career path allows me to help women become mothers every day. It all sounds so positive, but sometimes it gets me down. Especially at work. Every new patient I get asks me if I have any children. Sure, it may be polite conversation, but I know it goes deeper than that. When a woman is in labor, about to meet her child for the first time, I know they are looking for a nurse who is also a mother. Someone who has crossed that bridge before them and can help carry them to the other side. Sometimes, if I really connect with a patient, I'll tell them that I'm working very hard on becoming a mother. Other times, I just say, no, not yet. It's like a stab in the heart every day. I try to find joy and fulfillment in helping others become parents each day, but lately, I find it hard to choke back tears when I see a new dad crumble into a puddle on the floor at the sight of his sweet baby. I can't help but visualize Dan in the dad's role and me in the mother's. I imagine what it will be like for us. Sometimes when our struggles at home are getting to be too much, it'd be nice to have a break from the emotions. (I'm thankful for my job, but someday working in construction or a factory would be a lovely break...kidding.)
So, where do we go from here? I'm seeing (was seeing) a specialist at Fertility Centers of Illinois...That is until he was dimissive, condescending and a complete asshole. He blew me off, didn't see me as anything more than a number at a deli counter and wouldn't go the extra mile to get me the definitive diagnosis I've been trying to get for over two years. I've decided to seek out 2nd, 3rd, 4th opinions and start over fresh. I thought I was starting fresh at FCI, but I was wrong. His expert advice was to "Go home, have a drink and just practice this month." We've been practicing for 10 months and have suffered chemical pregnancies/early losses. I will not keep 'practicing,' when something, many things that are wrong and need to be mended. I am going back to a more natural approach and will be restarting Mayan Abdominal Massage, acupuncture and introduce herbs for fertility. I found an amazing acupuncturist/oriental medicine practitioner in Lincoln Square (right down the street actually...) who sounded like an answered prayer on the phone. She was understanding, saw me as a whole person and gave me hope that she can help us.
I turned off comments on this post. Nothing personal, but I just wanted to post an update without advice or response. To those who read this, pray for us, care for us, thank you. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you. I have to believe that someday we'll be parents and we can squeeze our chubby baby's cheeks, feel the warm, soft weight of our baby on our chests and we can look back together and say, I can't believe how far we've come. It was worth the wait.
