Friday, June 17, 2011
My Bruno boys
Happy Birthday to my dear uncle Peter! You are so awesome, so smart, funny and we are so lucky to have you as our uncky! Thank you for always taking such good care of us.
Buon Compleanno, Zio Pietro!
Today also marks another day in the Bruno family, one that saddens our hearts. Seven years ago, Papa Bruno, left this earthly world to reunite with all his loved ones who have gone before into heaven. He is more than my grandfather, but a father to me and I am who I am today because of his love and guidance. The light in our family grew dimmer with his passing and we miss his laugh, his loud, enthusiastic yelling, the way he could eat a meatball in a single bite, the way his hair always smelled of Old Spice and italian grandpa. :) I closed my eyes before bed last night and just imagined and remembered him from head to toe. His blue 'magic' birthmark on his temple, his glasses, his smile, the way he'd sign his name, his strong muscles, his hands. He is a part of me each and every day.
Papa wrote this poem for me after I was born. He wrote it on the back of his railroad timecard.
Nothing like love and sensitivity in a big, strong man...a Bruno characteristic I am proud to know.
The poem reads "The gift I give you/ I cherish forever in time/ You shall love and honor it as I do mine/
For God created it/ Just for you/ Above all others/ The gift I give you/ Is your mother."
I love my family.
this lovely little life
Stumbled upon this gem thanks to Marvelous Kiddo, courtesy of a lovely Etsy artist, Allicoate
I want this up in my kitchen so I can take in this thought every morning and night!
A few updates/randoms...
-We'll be leaving for Colorado next week so I'll be out of the loop for a bit, but enjoying the crisp mountain air. I will return with some awesome mountain pics, promise. We are grateful to take a vacation and cannot wait to see the Rockies!
-Dan finished his 1st year of teaching! Go Mr Merk! I am so proud of all he has accomplished, how far he has come in a short school year. He has grown so much as a teacher and has touched the lives of his students.
-I've started taking progesterone supplements during the second half of my cycle, once ovulation is confirmed (it's a lovely little drug called Crinone). It's a bit yucky, but hopefully it will work. I'm still waiting for the darn MRI results. I've got ants in my pants and I want the results NOW please :) I'm not expecting a miracle to happen overnight but I feel grateful and hopeful that we're on the right track. I'm in a totally different frame of mind then I was a few weeks ago. Thank you for your continued prayers!
-I'll put up some pics from our bdays in a separate post. Dan's birthday was the 9th and mine is Sunday the 19th! We are 29! How bout that? I'm not where I thought I'd be, but I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...does that make sense? :) I'm one blessed girl, celebrating my 7th, almost 8th year beyond cancer. Wow. That's enough to take your breath away!
Hope everyone is enjoying the start of summer!
Friday, June 3, 2011
welcome to the world, alden ryan!
A belated birth-day welcome to sweet Alden Ryan Kellermann! We are SO happy for Noah, Kelsy, & big bro Harper! He is just beautiful and we cannot wait to meet him, spoil him, play with him and watch him grow. We love you so much.
What a sweet little muffin!
more updates...
(courtesy of The Wheatfield shop on etsy...one of my faves)
A few updates:
Tuesday I saw a new doctor at Rush. Oh. My. Gosh. What an answered prayer. I prayed and prayed and prayed before this appointment. For God to point us in the right direction, to help us find a provider who will respect us and help us start a family. We found that doctor!!! :) Dr Mary Wood Molo is my new BFF! :) Kidding, but she is pretty amazing. Rush was an answered prayer when I had leukemia too. We were searching for an oncologist who would tell me I didn't need a stem cell transplant. We prayed and prayed and when we found Dr Stephanie Gregory at Rush, all our prayers started flowing outta her mouth. Everything we hoped for, she gave us. I cannot help but feel the same way about this doctor. Dr Wood Molo is the director of Reproductive Endocrinology & Infertility and has been there for 20 years. She basically told me:
-she can't believe how FCI treated me
-it's plain as day that I need an MRI of my uterus to give me a definitive diagnosis on it's structure
-my progesterone is in the gutter, so we're going to supplement after I ovulate each month to help me sustain a pregnancy
-she praised me for being an 'educated' patient and how much she loves it when patients do their research
-she made NO mention of IVF, IUI, donor eggs, etc. She said "we're going to make this fun again" and told me we're going to work together to try to get us pregnant naturally
The plan is to get a uterine MRI on June 13th. When I ovulate, I'll get my blood tested so Dr Wood Molo can dose the progesterone supplements accordingly. She encouraged me to do acupuncture (which I love) and she even knew my acupuncturist! I love when east and west can work together to help patients. Dan and I have a theory that Fertility Centers of Illinois (at least the doctor I saw, I have heard good things about other doctors there) preys on your desperation and loves taking your money. The doctor at FCI could have EASILY given me an MRI and progesterone supplements, but instead told me to keep waiting when there was something he could have done to help me. Maybe he thought I would have come back in a few months, more desperate and want IVF. Then he could make a sweet $10,000 no problem. It's pretty sad when standards of care don't seem to be upheld. Anyway, that's in the past. We are so thrilled that we found a doctor who is willing to work with us, respects us, and will exhaust all options, order all the necessary tests to get us some answers and hopefully get us our sweet baby we've been praying for. All. Good. Things. Thank the Lord. I know our prayers are not always answered on the exact day we'd like them to be. It's been hard being patient. We've lost hope, and regained it. Questioned our faith, and then found it renewed and stronger than ever. We've held onto each other, our friends and our families for love and support. We are blessed beyond words. We know we will become parents someday soon. Thank you ALL for your prayers. We are so grateful for all the love we've been given.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
family building update
It's been a fairly long and winding road, lots of ups and downs. Lately it feels like more downs than ups. Here's the rundown:
-Trying to start a family since August.
-Lots of complicated things going on...click here for an overview
-Multiple visits to different doctors, but still no concrete answers
-Our patience is being tested, our faith shaky, our hearts are hurting and our emotions are just drained
All I have ever wanted to be in my life is a mother. Sure, I love being a nurse, but since I was a child, I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I 'mother' everyone I know. :) I have the best mom in the world, so I have even more reason to want to be like her. Dan wants nothing more than to be a father. He's got an amazing dad and I know Dan will be the most fun, most loving dad around. It's so hard because inside, I 'feel' like a mom. I just don't happen to have any kids yet. Not sure if that even makes any sense...but it's how I feel. The core of my identity is a nurturing, mother role. I read parenting and mothering books and magazines, I love all my friends babies as if they were my own, my career path allows me to help women become mothers every day. It all sounds so positive, but sometimes it gets me down. Especially at work. Every new patient I get asks me if I have any children. Sure, it may be polite conversation, but I know it goes deeper than that. When a woman is in labor, about to meet her child for the first time, I know they are looking for a nurse who is also a mother. Someone who has crossed that bridge before them and can help carry them to the other side. Sometimes, if I really connect with a patient, I'll tell them that I'm working very hard on becoming a mother. Other times, I just say, no, not yet. It's like a stab in the heart every day. I try to find joy and fulfillment in helping others become parents each day, but lately, I find it hard to choke back tears when I see a new dad crumble into a puddle on the floor at the sight of his sweet baby. I can't help but visualize Dan in the dad's role and me in the mother's. I imagine what it will be like for us. Sometimes when our struggles at home are getting to be too much, it'd be nice to have a break from the emotions. (I'm thankful for my job, but someday working in construction or a factory would be a lovely break...kidding.)
So, where do we go from here? I'm seeing (was seeing) a specialist at Fertility Centers of Illinois...That is until he was dimissive, condescending and a complete asshole. He blew me off, didn't see me as anything more than a number at a deli counter and wouldn't go the extra mile to get me the definitive diagnosis I've been trying to get for over two years. I've decided to seek out 2nd, 3rd, 4th opinions and start over fresh. I thought I was starting fresh at FCI, but I was wrong. His expert advice was to "Go home, have a drink and just practice this month." We've been practicing for 10 months and have suffered chemical pregnancies/early losses. I will not keep 'practicing,' when something, many things that are wrong and need to be mended. I am going back to a more natural approach and will be restarting Mayan Abdominal Massage, acupuncture and introduce herbs for fertility. I found an amazing acupuncturist/oriental medicine practitioner in Lincoln Square (right down the street actually...) who sounded like an answered prayer on the phone. She was understanding, saw me as a whole person and gave me hope that she can help us.
I turned off comments on this post. Nothing personal, but I just wanted to post an update without advice or response. To those who read this, pray for us, care for us, thank you. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you. I have to believe that someday we'll be parents and we can squeeze our chubby baby's cheeks, feel the warm, soft weight of our baby on our chests and we can look back together and say, I can't believe how far we've come. It was worth the wait.
-Trying to start a family since August.
-Lots of complicated things going on...click here for an overview
-Multiple visits to different doctors, but still no concrete answers
-Our patience is being tested, our faith shaky, our hearts are hurting and our emotions are just drained
All I have ever wanted to be in my life is a mother. Sure, I love being a nurse, but since I was a child, I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I 'mother' everyone I know. :) I have the best mom in the world, so I have even more reason to want to be like her. Dan wants nothing more than to be a father. He's got an amazing dad and I know Dan will be the most fun, most loving dad around. It's so hard because inside, I 'feel' like a mom. I just don't happen to have any kids yet. Not sure if that even makes any sense...but it's how I feel. The core of my identity is a nurturing, mother role. I read parenting and mothering books and magazines, I love all my friends babies as if they were my own, my career path allows me to help women become mothers every day. It all sounds so positive, but sometimes it gets me down. Especially at work. Every new patient I get asks me if I have any children. Sure, it may be polite conversation, but I know it goes deeper than that. When a woman is in labor, about to meet her child for the first time, I know they are looking for a nurse who is also a mother. Someone who has crossed that bridge before them and can help carry them to the other side. Sometimes, if I really connect with a patient, I'll tell them that I'm working very hard on becoming a mother. Other times, I just say, no, not yet. It's like a stab in the heart every day. I try to find joy and fulfillment in helping others become parents each day, but lately, I find it hard to choke back tears when I see a new dad crumble into a puddle on the floor at the sight of his sweet baby. I can't help but visualize Dan in the dad's role and me in the mother's. I imagine what it will be like for us. Sometimes when our struggles at home are getting to be too much, it'd be nice to have a break from the emotions. (I'm thankful for my job, but someday working in construction or a factory would be a lovely break...kidding.)
So, where do we go from here? I'm seeing (was seeing) a specialist at Fertility Centers of Illinois...That is until he was dimissive, condescending and a complete asshole. He blew me off, didn't see me as anything more than a number at a deli counter and wouldn't go the extra mile to get me the definitive diagnosis I've been trying to get for over two years. I've decided to seek out 2nd, 3rd, 4th opinions and start over fresh. I thought I was starting fresh at FCI, but I was wrong. His expert advice was to "Go home, have a drink and just practice this month." We've been practicing for 10 months and have suffered chemical pregnancies/early losses. I will not keep 'practicing,' when something, many things that are wrong and need to be mended. I am going back to a more natural approach and will be restarting Mayan Abdominal Massage, acupuncture and introduce herbs for fertility. I found an amazing acupuncturist/oriental medicine practitioner in Lincoln Square (right down the street actually...) who sounded like an answered prayer on the phone. She was understanding, saw me as a whole person and gave me hope that she can help us.
I turned off comments on this post. Nothing personal, but I just wanted to post an update without advice or response. To those who read this, pray for us, care for us, thank you. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you. I have to believe that someday we'll be parents and we can squeeze our chubby baby's cheeks, feel the warm, soft weight of our baby on our chests and we can look back together and say, I can't believe how far we've come. It was worth the wait.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
i sure love this guy...
I've got the best husband in the world. Just sayin'...
I'm one lucky girl...
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